Sex Communication
Cindy Gallop, founder of Make Love Not Pornonce said “Everything great in life and business is born out of great communication. Sex is no different.” She’s right of course, but the point is that we assume that it should be. When it comes to sex we just expect it to be perfect without speaking a word, so often it feels like our partner(s) should just be telepathic and know exactly what to do to us, and when, and what we will enjoy.
Without sexual communication, there is a good chance that sex will be unsatisfactory. Good sexual communication is important because knowing what to do sexually is not innate and depends on the sexual partner(s) you are having sex with at the time. Each person has particular preferences and prohibitions, or parts of their body that they do or do not like to be touched. Being "good at sex" is a learned behavior, not something we know how to do instinctively.
How is it gonna help you bounce with your partner(s)?
Let's start by, what does good communication give- understanding. And what does understanding give – clarity. In any relationship, communication is key to building a stronger bond. Ideally, communication won’t be restricted to only certain parts of your relationship, but instead partners should communicate about sexual desires and preferences for a good sexual life. Discussing your sexual desires and needs with each other will lead to a better sex life and form a closer bond between you and your partner(s). Communicating about your sexual desires may also help build trust between you and your partner, and trust is the foundation of any relationship.
Not familiar with doing it? Here’s how you can start:
While I’m all for being open and honest about what happens between the sheets, having a discussion about your sex life is best left to the times when you’re not actually between those aforementioned sheets. This is not to say that you shouldn’t communicate what you like and don’t in the moment, but more that, if you want to have a bigger conversation about your sex life, it’s usually best to choose a non-sexual time to do so. Don't forget to always get consent for the conversation cause, yes, sometimes we're just not in the right state to talk about sex. So here it goes;
1. Determine how you like to be touched: "How do you like to be kissed? How do you like to be touched, where and when? If you could have the most perfect and exquisite sex, what would happen and how would it feel?" Sometimes we don't even know the answer ourselves and that's why it can be beneficial to experience solo play, to learn more about ourselves, our bodies and their erogenous zones, etc.
2. Get consent for the conversation: It is important to make sure that your partner is in the right state to talk about sex and to respect their limits. It goes without saying that you must also be in a neutral state, to have a healthy discussion that is not seen as persecuting the other.
3. Talk about times when you have had really good sex together: Tell each other what it was that you liked about those occasions. Was it a feeling, the touch, the act, the location, trying something new? Be explorative in your conversation and don’t be afraid to describe to one another. So often we feel most embarrassed about talking about sex with the person that we are having it with, but the benefits of breaking through that barrier can be so positive.
3. Invite your partner to share their needs: Invite your partner to share their sexual needs with you in a loving and reassuring way. Let them know that you will not judge or reject them. It may be more difficult or awkward for some people to open up about this, so asking open-ended questions can be a good way to get an active discussion going.
4. Share your own needs: Think about what you would like to be different and have specific pointers, just saying to your partner that you want sex to be better is unclear and not helpful. Also, make sure it’s positive! If you feel criticized you immediately move to the position of defensive or attacking, and this will not create a good space to explore what the meaning of good sex is and looks like for both of you. Share your needs using assertive language, using the term "I".It is your responsibility to own your sexuality and express it clearly.
Our needs, feelings and desires can change over time and just because someone likes something in general does not mean they will like it every time. So it's important to work on our daily affirmations and have these kinds of discussions regularly, to build a healthy intimate connection.
It can also be good to have small talks after sex or even during it with a little hot voice. For example, asking: " How do you want to make it? Faster or slower? More lube? Do you want to use a toy? What did you like best? What can I do differently next time? What would help take your pleasure to another level? Was there anything you didn't like?".
We should all be investing in and nurturing our relationships and sex lives like we do our careers, friendships, workouts etc but sometimes we just need a reminder that we need to take responsibility for making these changes.
Communication is the key, don't forget it.
